Ask HN: How do I give back to people helped me when I was young and had nothing?

The first time I went to Defcon, I felt lonely and lost -- it was the first year they had those cool electronic badges, and at the time they were only given out as entrance tokens for an exclusive party that was the talk of the con.

I didn't really "know" anyone there -- like a lot of young hackers, I was part of one of those vBulletin board hacker crews that have been lost to time and I'd exhausted the meager savings I had built up that summer on my plane ticket and hotel room at the Riviera.

A lot of people who had expense accounts were going out to nice places for dinner -- the guy with per diem would get drinks, the guy who had to itemize, and me, the guy trying to get a group together to visit that cool looking dive bar next to Bally's kept getting laughed at and called a newbie...

Then none other than Dan Kaminsky[1] strolls up, tells me he knows who I am (!) and heard I'd been asking about the ninja party, tells me he can't get me in but he knows a room party. Shows me a room next to the pool with a keg in the bathtub, I threw them a five and we sat around talking until late in the night. They had some good tips on cheap places to eat, how to get free drinks at the penny slots, that sort of thing.

And then, every year since that I visited, I did what he did... wander the convention looking for the budget travel crew, the folks who don't do it for a salary and whom this is their reality, and I'd take them on a quest for two dollar hot dogs, show them the little store next to the dive bar where they could stock up on beer and liquor and ice and then disappear into the night like some kind of helpful spirit of the hacker night.

Anyways... long, profuse thank yous are not needed. What you should do is make sure you keep the gates open that were not gatekept for you. Be the person who connects others, in ways that you can't always list on your CV.

[1] Rest in power

> How do you meaningfully give back to people who helped you early on

Pay it forward is the popular answer here, and a good one. To me, it's a bit limiting and maybe it's why you feel a debt in your life. It's chasing a phantom transaction, to level a balance but there is no score.

I take the approach of "being the person I want to see in the world", and that person is made up of all the people that have shown me kindness, took a chance on me, or otherwise showed grace. It's also made up of the person I wished had been there for me at times. The key is deciding who that person is for you though; some people want to be like the flashy "influencers" that they like to see in the world (on sm) and will act accordantly.

Instead of thinking about how to balance the debt, make the -- sometimes inconvenient -- effort of choosing each day to incorporate the positive parts of the people you feel gratitude toward. Then you end up doing many different positive things, big and small, for all types of people -- naturally (not seeking it out) -- the same way many of the people most likely did when they helped you. After all, if 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,' then I would argue that incorporating the positive behaviours or traits of those who have made an impact into who you are becoming is the sincerest form of gratitude.

The gratitude is good and correct, but they did not do it for any kind of return from you. What they wanted most was for you to turn around and do the same thing for others.

Or not even that, just make good productive use of what they gave you. Merely having a job that does something in any way useful to society and doesn't actively harm others is good enough. But if you do go a bit further and be generous with your own time and consideration to others, even better.

If you feel this way to even write this post, then helping someone else with their problem probably comes naturally already and you don't even have to do anything you don't already naturally like to do and are probably already doing.

One big tip is make sure your hands are ready with the proper pen and hand exercises.

He told me that when I was successful, to do the same.

The folks I've done this for were pleasantly surprised, both by the note and the contents of it. They'd forgotten how they helped me, which makes sense, because it was a big deal for me but not for them.

A physical note, reminding them of the help they gave you, is a great way to say thanks.

More than once the reply has been "What do you need?". So I feel it is important to give thanks at those times where you really need nothing from them.

Like so many others have said...do your best to give back and pay it forward. Sometimes all it takes is time to talk.

I personally have had several people who have given me far more help than I ever expected (or possibly deserved). The only thing I can do is attempt to do the same for others.

Time goes fast. Sometimes if you hesitate to give thanks you miss the opportunity.

If some of these mentors are retired, I'm sure they would love to hear from a former protege/student/mentee. Watching my dad after his retirement, he always enjoys these interactions with his former colleagues -- talk about their profession or department. Made his day/week in most cases. Retirement can be professionally lonely sometimes.

That being said, even a handwritten note or phone call to say "I just wanted to say that at X time in my life, you did Y and it was amazing at the time and helped me get to where I am now" goes a LONG way.

For example, if you have $100 to spare every month, find charity organizations local to your area, or even international ones like Unbound that help small kids around the world get access to healthy food, basic education and good health.

Also think about people within your network that are struggling - while money solves a lot of problems, sometimes it is time and effort you can also invest instead. If you can think about any of those people try to figure things out and help them move a couple of steps forward in their lives.

If any of those people that helped you do not need any help, wait for the day when they ask for it or look for it. They will be really happy to see you doing something for them on that day.

I give my help. I don't lease it. I don't rent it. I don't keep an IOU sheet.

It is given freely, with no expectation other than that it might help the individual involved.

I hope some of them go on to be better than me, because they got to rest on my shoulders for a moment before finding the next giant's to climb on.

I'm happy to hear when they do what I do, and help young engineers, but I have no expectation of that. Nor should I.

What I give as a mentor, is given freely. No strings attached.

This is the beauty and ache that comes with growing up. This is a good thing. I agree with so many others in this thread that the best thing you can do is help others at this point.

You're going to realize that's the position those people that helped you were in: they made a choice to help you.

You could throw money at it or try to make big gestures but to the people that helped you just knowing how much it meant to you is the best reward.

Giving back isn't difficult. I'm a member of an organization that gives me ample opportunity.

I had some great personal relationships, while I was at my various jobs, and some folks gave me real trust and empowerment, but I basically earned that. I appreciated the chances, and usually paid them back in short order.

The other stuff ("life"), was not so advantageous for the helpers. They helped me, because it was their job. I help others, because it's my job.

The many people that helped you were in their own small way trying to make the world a better place through you. They were not expecting anything in return.

If you owe something, it was not a gift.

If you give something with the expectation of something in return, it is also not a gift.

It's fine to give gifts to people whose cup is full, but it probably won't change their life.

With time, the value from those interactions you actually perceive may not be what you thought you got at the time...or now.

Good luck.

I did pay my grand mother back for course books and things she paid for (the Pell Grant only went so far), but I also tried to visit her when I could. I think the visits meant more than the money. I wish I had had time to visit her more often. Now I can't.

2. Get their contact details

3. Send them money.

Touching base to say thanks for the support during younger, harder days is nice, but nothing talks quite like a cash gift when it comes to thanks.

Focus on sacrificing time and resources for others and “pay it forward”.

2. Pay it forward by doing the same for someone younger. That's probably the main thing your helper wants: to continue their help "blood line".

I had a few crucial people boost me in my youth. And I did the same for some younger people. My messaging to them was not to pay me back with favors, but to continue the thing.

But yeah, they've helped me in a pinch a few times and I've really appreciated it.

It's handy to be in a situation where you have a lot more skills and experience and wisdom, but they are much more intelligent.

If someone has wronged you, you don't wrong someone else in turn.

But you can try to help others not be wronged in that way.

For yourself? Determine how you can be that person for others.

The answer that really moved me is that those people in your life do what they do because it brings them joy, and they do not expect anything in return. That’s what makes people great - their reward is the work. The way to pay them back is to share those values.

Maybe that means giving someone a break, or supporting organizations that support people in similar situations. Think small - help people not non-profits.

For the specific people, perhaps just get in touch with them and start a conversation. Figure out what they are working on and help them in some way. Or not. At the end of the day, their friendship and mentorship was the important thing. Build that relationship where you can.

Help those that are young and have nothing.

As I developed my professional network, I worked hard to keep contacts over the years and through many jobs. As I continued my upward trajectory I never forgot those who I met along the way and have hired several of them at multiple companies I have worked at over the years with one following me to 4 total companies over the course of 15+ years. I have done this with several others since.

In addition, I try and help everyone I worked with on current challenges in their current roles and/or trying to aid them in finding new ones; either by exercising my extensive professional network and/or giving them advice from the standpoint of my being a hiring manager.

The most important and impactful item IMO, however, is that I will give ANYONE and EVERYONE, known or not known, help when they ask for anything. From those in HS looking for advice on career and degree programs, to internships, to jobs in the real world. This is what I never had. My father is as blue collar as they come and wasn't able to aid me here; my mother worked relatively menial office and retail jobs and thus they were no help in this way to me. That said, I can help others who may or may not have professional connections through their personal networks to make sure they land in the best possible situation as their professional lives kick off and advance through the ranks.

The only thing I hope is that karma is real and that when my kids are of the age that they may need to leverage my growing professional and personal network that they will be awarded with the same thoughtfulness, timeliness, and kindness I have offered over the years.

A previous coworker once told me she's never met anyone who maintains relationships with old coworkers like I do; cultivating a network that helps to place folks, grow folks, and retain folks. THAT is my recommendation to you: work not only to grow yourself but others. It pays dividends personally and professionally and hopefully will help many others, known and unknown.

Pay it forward

Debt is related to value, which is inherently subjective. In nature, nothing reproducable is one yard long, so we create something and call it a yard, and that first thing becomes the standard. The same is true economically; there's no way to measure what one loaf of bread is inherently worth. Even the time and resources needed to produce it vary depending on countless circumstances. A man with a bread factory will have a much easier time producing one loaf than a homeless man.

The same is true for pain. What's as trivial as a small papercut to one person may be overwhelmingly traumatic to another person, and another can handle losing a limb as easily as losing a pen. Countless variable psychological circumstances prevent us from making any true measurement of debt.

But justice requires that we try our best and move on. So we create economies out of barter and then gold and then bills and then credit. Or we create justice systems that are constantly flowing and changing in their understanding of right and wrong, and also value and loss.

It may be that some people who helped you had no difficulty. I do remember a teacher telling us once to be careful of what we say, because we never know which things we say will stick with someone forever with deep profoundness. Which goes to show that a small off the cuff comment has the very real potential to contribute toward making someone's life significantly better or significantly worse, yet the comment took almost no thought or effort. It cost little.

There's a moment in a play written by Karol Wojtyla in the 1940s, where Adam Chmielowski asks Madame Helena what it costs her to play Ophelia or Lady MacBeth. She replies, "in a way, it costs me all my life. It is a strange ransom; every time I pay it all over again."

I have met many people who are convinced that they have been wronged so grievously that the offender must pay every last penny they have or ever will make, and suffer every second of this life as much as possible, and they hope Hell exists purely so that the offender's suffering may not be relieved by the most torturous death imaginable. Such a person will never be satisfied or happy.

For the little it's worth, my recommendation is to repay people with what good value you justly and reasonably estimate that you owe them for the good they have done to you, and be done with it. If they consider it too much or too little, accomodate them a little, but only within reason. Inversely, if anyone has wronged you, consider their debt paid to you already, since this costs you nothing, whereas exacting justice is tiresome and restless. Besides, forgiving someone's debt to you gives them encouragement to improve, whereas exacting it discourages them and puts them on the defense. That's not to say you shouldn't insist that society as a whole have justice also, for example by calling the police when a legitimate crime has occurred to you or someone else. I'm only talking about the debt in context of two humans.

Mention them on your social media.

Give also to young people who are young and have "nothing".

I always go through every cold contact email or message from any university student who messages me out of the blue, simply because a McKinsey Senior Managing Partner took the same chance for me. He even recommended me to the McKinsey recruiting, even though I was ridiculously off-cycle, even though my profile was kinda shit lol, just after one meeting. But because of him, I got my first exposure to whiteshoe recruiting (eventually joined a place where McK people dream of going to). So now I give back the opportunity to anyone who asks me politely for a meeting or for advice.

- speak to them frequently and deliberately remind them of how immense their help has been to me. i try to share important updates with them as well.

- gifts

- paying it forward. easiest, kind of natural responsibility though (even if no one helped you). hence least emphasized as a way to show gratitude.

Helping others is also a form of elitism as it assumes you know what is best for others and most of us don't.

It is best to live alone, die alone, thank no one, and stick to yourself. Leave improving the world to the 1%, most of us aren't worth the air we breathe and the smaller the footprint we leave when we die the better humanity will be for it.