The elephant in the room is that the fossil fuel of male loneliness is homophobia.
It's because, for decades, getting too close to another man was suspect. You hug your friend, you're "gay." You open up about your feelings? "Gay." You even care about another man? "Gay." That's the legacy. The slur is always there, hanging over you, weaponized by kids, by dads, by teachers, by sitcoms.
The structure of masculinity up until the 90s at least told boys and men that by playing the game of status, prestige, and success, you have value and most importantly, you're not women. Guys are terrified of being cast out of the "real men" club, so you end up with a whole gender refusing intimacy it's been made dangerous. There are real, tangible punishments for not playing along: mockery, exclusion, even violence.
You want to know what happens when you train an entire gender that closeness equals weakness? You get men who can't ask for help, who don’t know how to grieve, who lose their friends at 30 and never make new ones. You get men who only feel permitted to touch each other during a touchdown celebration or a bar fight.
The solution is hiding in plain sight. Vulnerability is contagious. One guy has to go first. One guy has to risk it and say "hey, I appreciate you," to hug, to call, to care, and not apologize for it. It's hard. I get it. But there's no other way out. The graveyard of failed ideas includes men's clubs, church, sports leagues, beer leagues, online communities, just hanging out. None of these address the root cause because the thing that builds friendships is connection and the thing that builds connection is closeness.
One thing you can do today that's a step in that direction? Text an acquaintance to ask how they're doing. If the thought of that feels weird, congrats you're on the right track. Connection starts with risk. Follow that North star because that's the path to getting from here to there.
djoldman · 53m ago
> According to Pew, 61% of U.S. adults say having close friends is extremely or very important for a fulfilling life.
I'm not sure what one is supposed to infer from this.
I'm reminded of a Gallup poll[0]:
> How worried are you that you or someone in your family will become a victim of terrorism -- very worried, somewhat worried, not too worried or not worried at all?
It's because, for decades, getting too close to another man was suspect. You hug your friend, you're "gay." You open up about your feelings? "Gay." You even care about another man? "Gay." That's the legacy. The slur is always there, hanging over you, weaponized by kids, by dads, by teachers, by sitcoms.
The structure of masculinity up until the 90s at least told boys and men that by playing the game of status, prestige, and success, you have value and most importantly, you're not women. Guys are terrified of being cast out of the "real men" club, so you end up with a whole gender refusing intimacy it's been made dangerous. There are real, tangible punishments for not playing along: mockery, exclusion, even violence.
You want to know what happens when you train an entire gender that closeness equals weakness? You get men who can't ask for help, who don’t know how to grieve, who lose their friends at 30 and never make new ones. You get men who only feel permitted to touch each other during a touchdown celebration or a bar fight.
The solution is hiding in plain sight. Vulnerability is contagious. One guy has to go first. One guy has to risk it and say "hey, I appreciate you," to hug, to call, to care, and not apologize for it. It's hard. I get it. But there's no other way out. The graveyard of failed ideas includes men's clubs, church, sports leagues, beer leagues, online communities, just hanging out. None of these address the root cause because the thing that builds friendships is connection and the thing that builds connection is closeness.
One thing you can do today that's a step in that direction? Text an acquaintance to ask how they're doing. If the thought of that feels weird, congrats you're on the right track. Connection starts with risk. Follow that North star because that's the path to getting from here to there.
I'm not sure what one is supposed to infer from this.
I'm reminded of a Gallup poll[0]:
> How worried are you that you or someone in your family will become a victim of terrorism -- very worried, somewhat worried, not too worried or not worried at all?
> 36% in August 2021.
[0] https://news.gallup.com/poll/4909/terrorism-united-states.as...