Production data access is broken for L3 incidents

It's 2 AM, your biggest customer is down, and support knows exactly what database query will solve it. But first: write a sanitization script, get legal approval, provision replica access, then wait for queries on a 20-minute-lagged replica that takes 8 minutes per query. Three hours later, support finally starts debugging. The actual fix takes 30 minutes. Your SLA is already blown. You're either the engineer frantically writing data masking scripts while a customer bleeds money, or you're the support person who knows the exact query to run but can't touch production. We spend more time getting access to the data than actually fixing the problem. The whole system is backwards. Anyone else dealing with this madness, or have you found a way that doesn't suck?