Ask HN: Anyone got advice for someone like me nearing 40s?
9 somecloud 12 6/25/2025, 8:28:50 AM
I will be 40 in another 6 months time. It almost feels like more than 50% life is gone. While there are some wins, some notorious, it's mostly struggle and negativity in my life.
As you write "50% gone" you've revealed a counting, quantitative mindset, so ask yourself if that's how you directly find life, or have you unconsciously adopted this way of thinking.
There's great news: the entirety of human history has left trails for you to follow and some of them lead to enlightenment and beauty.
There's terrible news: a lot of them lead is ugliness and pain.
All of it comes to bodily death. Is that good or bad news?
Since you've awoken to the idea of a conservation of yourself, and given that your question provides that you don't know what this means-- which indicates a normal orientation in midlife-- maybe you're ready to earnestly explore history?
I assert that science knows little about life and never will. But it can reveal opportunities and hazards.
It is in the arts and philosophy that the seeker may further prosper.
What value do you find is obtained from wealth and accomplishments?
What does history reveal about the others in your situation and with your views?
Can you engage with and trust your direct experience? How do you adapt to pain and pleasure?
Adventure.
I'm in my mid 40s, willingly neglected personal health for others because they needed more. It worked out and I'm back focusing on myself. I honestly considered myself lucky as I see some other burned out or broke down due to lack of self care.
1. Get your finance/insurance in order. Financial stress is the #1 killer. You don't need to be rich like on social media. Just be comfortable with a safety margin.
2. Get your physical/mental health in order. Working out or find a sports that you can share with others will help you a lot.
3. Make some friends. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, and covid accelerated that as many have moved. Playing sports can give you a sense of friendship. The group that I climb with are now talking a climbing trip this and next year. It's great.
I may get some flak for this, but start paying attention to skincare. Botox + anti-aging treatments, well applied, can do an awful lot of good.
Stay up-to-date on new tech, particularly AI. Tyler Cowen was talking about this last month, basically saying that the people who are now 40 are going to be the ones most at risk of being left behind. (http://marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2025/05/wha...)
Get those joint pains checked out by a doctor! It is easier to fix if you catch it early!
Some people get way too intense when in reality you just need to be active to be healthy. It's a lot harder to exercise at all if you blow out a knee or shoulder!
I'd add that if one is intellectually curious -- as I imagine somebody asking for advice here must be -- one's 40s are also a great time to take up a small noncommercial project. Like attempt to solve a minor theorem, or a historical puzzle.
(There are a lot of historical puzzles concerning nomenclature or the use of tools. For e.g., to this day nobody knows what was meant when the medieval French wrote of the form of armor called "double maille." (haubert doublier, haubert a maille double, and haubert clavey de double maille) But it's well attested in historical sources. If you travel to enough museums, manuscript collections, and chapels -- to inspect knightly effigies -- there's a very good chance you'll be able to figure it out. And, if you don't, I'd bet you still enjoy the ride.)
Sometimes it feels like a step downwards - divorces, lost family members, career changes. Some have kids and can't do the things they once did. And in time, you'll pick up injuries and health problems. If you plan to fight and resist change, do so, but if you can't, then accept the new roles.
If I had a time machine which only went back to my 40s I'd possibly only say invest more for the future and exercise a shitload more. Most of the really embarrassing faux pas happened before this time.
I would also say deciding not to tear up my personal and work relationships like so many around me and instead invest in fixing what's wrong in them paid off.
I feel like I've had ~20 years of 'conscious adult' life, and I have at least 40 left (hopefully) - so only ~33% is gone !
Anyway, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away"
you have lived 50% of your life.
we live the life that is in front of us, and that is it.
life has always been a struggle. we can always assume that the rich and powerful live wonderful lives, but again this is a fantasy to make us feel better while we struggle living our own lives.
The rich and powerful are not exempt from psychological distress and struggle.
A house is a house, a family is a family, a car is a car, it doesnt matter how much they cost or how valuable they are. It is the value that we as individuals put on those things that are important to us, that makes the difference.
Im nearly 70. I am in the final years of my life.
These days I reflect back on a life well lived.
that is all we can do.
There is nothing special about life, we live and then we die. it is what we do while we are here that is important.
40 for me was the beginning of a new adventure. Afer 4 years of study, I had just qualified as a therapeutic counsellor and started going to university to do my masters degree in psychotherapy.
Do you take it knowing the addiction risks? You obviously say yes! Perhaps you just accept for the 5 million?
But what if the consequence is that you die in 24 hours? You quickly change your mind. No way do you take that. I 10x everything, $50 million usd. I even arranged and schedule the perfect 24 hours of hedonism before it starts. You still decline right?
You just found out, waking up each morning is worth more than $50 million usd.
In life, you have 3 big luggages to carry around. The past(40 years of 'struggle and negativity'), the present, and the future that you cant predict.
You can only carry 1 luggage. If you carry the future luggage, you're going to be fearful and anxiety from your imagination. "But what if ___ happens if i do X"
If you carry the past, you're going to ruminate about things that you cant change.
The only luggage you can carry is the present. Live the present moment. Carpe Diem.
It doesnt matter your age, in 300 years from now... Trump will be remembered. Virtually nobody else will be remembered. Spend your day in a way that you enjoy because nobody else cares or will remember what you did.