Ask HN: Decided I no longer want to be a SWE – what next?
Co-founder didn't understand why I wasn't interested working without salary anymore... there were other signs the relationship had broken down etc. Planning on letting him know I'm out near the end of this week.
I started interviewing when these feelings started to get to me and... the VC from the accelerator ratted to my co-founder that they'd "heard from recruiters". This was effectively the most unprofessional breach of privacy I've ever experienced and as a result I think I'm done working in software (don't even ask me my opinion of SF).
I've been doing this six years, clearly I'm not good enough (tech screens these days are ridiculous) and even as a founder of multiple previous companies (with one exit) and lots of SWE experience I'm no longer attractive for roles that pay well. I've come to realize I don't really even enjoy programming or prepping for interviews - it all feels grating and makes me feel like an idiot.
That said, I have no idea what to do next and feel inexplicably lost. My age doesn't help this, but I'm fully drawing a blank. I don't really have money to go to grad school and it appears that dev roles are just getting more competitive. Maybe I was an ok engineer for a while, but I just feel lost and scared.
At 30 I don't care about clout anymore, most of my friends make way more money than me or have families. Being an adult here seems like acknowledging doing startups is maybe the dumbest thing I could've done with my life.
This probably sounds like a lot, but it's the first time I've run up against this many things going wrong in my life at once. Anyone else pivot away from tech and still make half-decent income?
I don't work on glamorous projects; most of what I make will never be seen outside of my company, even. But I've got a child, got to move back to the rural town I was born in after I inherited my late grandfather's house (since I've been WFH my 12+ years), and I can genuinely say I enjoy my work most days.
If it's the actual job you hated I'd tell you to go back to school for something else or get into a trade, but it sounds more like you're just tired of the culture surrounding the startup and big tech scene. Go find work from companies that aren't "tech companies", you're less likely to run into leetcode interviews, shitty work/life balance, and the constant fear of your employer folding any morning.
Hell, if I had an open req right now I'd ask for your CV, because I think you're probably being a bit too hard on yourself and overthinking things. There's plenty of chill places who just need somebody to keep those couple critical pieces of software that are 15 years old running, and there's nothing wrong with work just being a means to an end.
EDIT: Actually, send it to me anyway. If nothing else I can at least give you some more specific advice or a mock interview and see if there's anyone in my network that you'd fit with. Email's in my profile.
I'd say my strong-suit is in vaguely defined zero to one work and scale out for more sharply scoped functionality. That said, if you ask me to write a react app from scratch, I'm likely just going to lean on cursor / claude to do the boilerplate and hop in when I need to make sure things are surgically correct.
Man is this underrated. My peers are so hyper-focused on whether or not new hires know SQL (of all things), and not whether they can adequately problem solve. And then they wonder why my hires, though they might start slower, end up being stars.
To your other point, I’m even fine spending a day explaining the business to someone new - it’s complicated. But I try to bring on people who only have to hear it once.
Anyways, I guess I just like to +1/amplify sensible hiring posts.
I love sitting down with newer employees, especially junior engineers, and going over stuff like that, along with explaining why specific design choices were made, and concepts they may be unfamiliar with. One of the ones that paired with me on many of my projects from my original team is now the maintainer of those very same projects now, and hot damn does it bring a smile to my face that somebody can send me a message about something and I can just @mention him and pass the buck without worrying. We’d mostly been a .Net+MSSQL shop and these projects were a mix of Python, Kotlin, and PostgreSQL, but he ran with it after I helped get him setup and walked him through the code and gave him some time to pick up the tools.
That success is what solidified my views that critical thinking skills, along with a commitment to lifelong learning, are the best indicators of success for new hires with my org. I can’t teach people these qualities, but those that have them will seek the answers and know how to apply them once they’ve picked them up.
If you've founded multiple companies previously, can you reach out to your network and see if there's a former client / colleague you could help with consulting or contract work, using your skills and some of your existing domain specific knowledge?
My network is ok, but frankly not great. Fortunately I have friends in New York who support my decision to leave and do other things in tech - potentially altogether. I really appreciate your kind words.
I've considered law school for some specific niche interests I've cultivated - fortunately have good friends in that field as well.
My experience is very different than yours. I've never worked for a proper tech company, nor a startup. I haven't been asked a ton of questions about how I engage with software outside of work in interviews, and none of my live coding interviews have been leetcode or memorization.
For me SWE is a nice stable pleasant 9-5 job, not the best job I've had, not the worst, but unquestionably the biggest responsibility-to-income ratio i can possibly imagine. I do mostly pleasant and unstressful work 40 hours a week and have enough money to do most anything i want. $140k goes a looooong way here in Chicago.
I think the burnout you're feeling is probably more tied to SF/big tech/startup culture than it is SWE as a career. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not certain i see myself being happy doing this forever either, but my "doing tech at non-tech or tech adjacent companies" experience sounds so drastically different than yours that i think you should give it a shot before completely changing careers. I can't speak to SF but i do at least see lots of these kinds of jobs out of New York when I'm browsing job listings. Chicago has lots of these kinds of jobs in theory but the market isn't great this second (though it probably isn't anywhere, is it?). Other major cities like Philadelphia, Seattle, hell even LA would save you money over SF and NY if that's a concern.
30 is still really young. Plenty of time to figure out how you want to live still. Clout and money don't really mean much but living comfortably with time and capital to do things you like, do.
You sound like a mature person. Thank you for sharing that perspective!
1. Get a job that pays the bills for starters, doesn't have to be fancy or pay much, just enough that you don't become homeless.
2. Do something in your spare time that you're interested, just for fun, with no expectations or even plans of making money from it.
3. You will profit in a way you couldn't possibly plan or predict. Or maybe not. But probably. Either way, you're not homeless or starving.
What's most embarrassing is potentially having to stay at my parents to avoid sinking into my savings further. Obviously others are having a hard time to, part of the mental hurdle is acknowledging that what I thought were "interesting choices" has lead to me being single at 30 with only a few hundred k to show for it.
You'll be ok. Move somewhere cheaper and work in tech for a non-tech company. There's no shame in relying on your parents if you have to but as someone that doesn't have parents or anywhere near the savings you do i really think you'll be alright. Being a SWE at a non tech company really will eliminate most of your issues with the work i think.
No, you got paid in vibes.
Never. Accept. Vibes.
Vibes are for losers. Refuse to be treated like a loser.
Reject vibes; demand money.
It is always a mistake to do un-paid work for an organization that wants turn a profit from your work. They will always suck you dry, as if you are a fire hydrant and they are a blackhole.
> Planning on letting him know I'm out near the end of this week.
Stand up for yourself. Stop working immediately and tell them that you won't work for free any more. If they want further work, they should start paying immediately. And consider demanding they pay for work already done.
Your time is valuable; you can't get any of it back. Only genuinely charitable organizations and in-need individuals should ever get free work; everyone else must pay for work.
> Co-founder didn't understand why I wasn't interested working without salary anymore.
This is methhead logic on his part. Again, reject vibes; demand money. Methheads live on vibes, especially the vibes from stimulants.
> most of my friends make way more money than me or have families
Again, reject vibes. You see their vibes, but are you so sure that they are actually doing well overall? They could be in debt up to their eye-balls; they could have terrible family situations; they could be totally burned-out from working 80-hour weeks. A lot of people put out good vibes to try to make themselves feel better about a bad situation; vibes can't fix a broken home, a terrible job, or a bad financial decisions.
A lot of people have started families/careers later in life. Now is the time to figure out why you want money/family/whatever. Working to feed your family is rewarding; working just to work is self-harm. Starting a family in order to shower them with love is rewarding; starting a family because it's a milestone is egotistical.
> Anyone else pivot away from tech and still make half-decent income?
Reject vibes; find a boring job. Research the sort of jobs that nobody wants to work, but which pay well. Those jobe have no vibes to offer, so they attract few candidates. A SWE can find good work doing boring jobs, because SWEs focus on details; and details are the antidote to vibes.
Some of those who are very successful are truly talented and deserve everything they got; but some were just lucky. It's not blind luck like winning the lottery, but rather being at the right place at the right time.
You may have much more talent than you give yourself credit for.
Thanks for your kind words. I did after all build some cool things during this time I'm still proud of.
Formal collaboration depends on a culture that's more or less dead now. I wouldn't bet my future on it getting sorted out.
I'll be sad to leave SF, but frankly I couldn't see myself being happy here long-term.
You could go into management.
You could do SW work in a non-technical field. Manufacturing is making a resurgence.
Part of what also drove me to hate SF is how so much of "business" there is entirely fake. It's vapid and disgusting.
Might take some time to see friends as well - I've just had a few very exciting years making ok money with very little consistency and all I want now is a normal job that maybe pays $140k or so. I don't feel like that's insane either - the notion that being able to pay for an apt food and a car is "entitlement" in 2025 is ridiculous.
but thanks for your kind words.
Please don't think you are not good enough. The interviewing process is just ridiculous and illogical (for an industry that deals with logic all the time!).
I don't have any answers - since I am also in the current state. And I also found out that no one has any answers - everyone is probably lost in some way or another.
Take some time off if you can. And if you have the luxury, don't think about anything else for a while.
This was all for an initial investment of $120k which is frankly hilarious. The idea I wouldn't do whats best for me because you gave me $100k.
My luck is that there's still a lot that interests me in tech, like datalakes, data intensive systems, OTP and webdev with elixir and phoenix, compilers and micro vms...
For me it's an easy answer, I can use tech to finance my true purpose. I'm also lucky enough to live in a country where 66k USD affords me a very comfortable life.
For you there seems to be something more fundamental missing. You seem to be in the start of a journey inwards to understand what's your purpose, what could fill the Ikigai for you.
If you have money, take a break, travel, go meet people, broad your possibilities. The world isn't just SWE, specially silicon valley cutthroat morally-bankrupt SWE. If you immerse yourself in the world out there there'll be no guarantee you'll find what you want and there is a good chance you'll suffer, but it's likely you'll find something, and that I think makes it all worth it.
Not sure that I'm ready to leave the U.S. yet - currently that would probably push my stress over the edge. Fortunately, I've never really gotten that much out of material things or clout chasing. That said, money is money and money gives you options.
That said, I solidly do not have any interest engaging in SF culture any longer. Frankly I find it kind of pathetic and entertaining.
I want to prioritize my life and find another GF (had a breakup about a year ago). Relationships (friends or otherwise) have always given me more than stupid startup clout, which has always proven to be single dimensional or fake.
Really appreciate the kind words. If I could make money doing it, I'd love to be an arborist in the east coast.
I think if you go and get a "normal" job like being an electrician you'd be in for a shock about the level of work and relatively low pay compared to programming.
On the other hand, I wouldn't keep doing it if you hate it.
I've actually thought quite a bit about being an arborist. I've always kept trees at a few friends places and really enjoy the ecology aspect. That said, I don't want to live at or around the poverty line like I did while I was a founder at a prev startup only making $40k post tax. I'm just not about that life anymore.
If I was starting today, rather than an electrical engineering degree, I'd choose a trade: probably electrician, or plumber.
I know a few kids working for themselves in these trades and they are in unceasing demand.
There's plenty of low effort stable jobs available, and being a programmer can be one of them. There's companies out the wazoo who just need a mediocre programmer to work ~40 hours a week. But you could also be a clinical pharmacist, or an accountant, or a supply chain manager.
Huh? Power to you, and that is awful behavior, but this sounds strange. Why let one person decide your career for you?