I may be beyond redemption
It seems like I cannot improve or get better at all, I have been stuck literally doing nothing for a decade, like literally, I am not even kidding.
My parents are great people, great is an understatement, I had a great upbringing, hard work and academics was always emphasized. I didn't do shit though, just daydreamed about it.
I have been interested in tech for a looong time but I would just read about it, daydream about using it for awesome purposes, maybe try to learn it a bit and it would seem too hard and I would think, "eh I will start tomorrow" and go consume something that provided instant gratification. Years literally passed, and that never happened. I got through middle and high school because my parents literally dragged me through it, got a degree from a degree mill, again because of my parents all this while daydreaming and deep in delusions about how I was gonna learn a lot and get a great tech job while only attempting to learn for a little bit before going back to wasting time.
No matter how high the stakes are, I don't do shit, my head is messed up. That's not even the worst part, the worst part is my parents who are objectively good people got mega fucked wasting time and money on me, all for this cowardly excuse of flesh, blood and betrayal. I once used to believe in god of an organized religion but no such entity obviously exists, otherwise I would have thrown myself off a mountain hoping my parents were rewarded in the afterlife at least.
I never dreamed or intended for myself to end this way, and my parents did warn me about turning out exactly as this kind of person. Honestly, I am not even a person, something much lesser and vile.
Along with the legendary procrastination, I have always had this resistance and fatigue to doing "stuff", both cognitive tasks and otherwise. I have never been able to conquer it, no matter what routines or schedules or discipline I tried, I ended up failing.
I wish I had terminated myself a long time ago, or just never existed. If someone secretly holds a time machine, can you please lend it to me? I wanna go back and erase any means that would ever lead to my existence, please.
There is no hope for me making money, even less so, wealth. This constant laziness, zero sense of conscientiousness, shamelessness is not going away and you may think because I "realized" it now, I can do bettter. I have had this "realization" many times but it ends up going nowhere and I default to the shithead person I am.
What do I do? I need a lot of money so I can pay back my parents who have been with me through all this, patiently. Is there something I can do that can net me some millions, no matter how degrading? I have already shown I have no capacity to learn or do any knowledge work or anything necessary to make decent money, much less millions. AI means I am too late to get into tech either way.
Again, if anyone has access to a time machine that can erase my existence or something I can do to make millions I would appreciate if you would let me know because I am utterly devoid of change or redemption. Please, anyone
EDIT: I know this is insane and dumb, but who knows what can happen? It may catch the eye of some billionaire who wants to do something society considers "unconventional" or whatever. I don't mind, I just need money.
I am trying small daily improvements now, for the millionth time. But the fear and the guilt is overwhelming, and I am never gonna catch up to other normal people, much less high earners. And then there is AI.
It's unfortunate. You have to analyze yourself (big-5 scores, iq), and consider the right path.
You might not have the heredity to pursue white collar track, and this shows.
Although, my bio parents and grandparents were white-collar or white collar adjacent at least. And one of my bio grandpa was very conscientious and active well into old age
Look, I'm sad to say I absolutely know the headspace you're wandering right now, and I don't have a panacea. I can tell you though, fuck the AI hype wave. Fact is, if it gets to the point where the 1% decide to fuck the other 95%, it ain't gonna end well for somebody, and we all know who not for the most. If you're gonna throw your lot in with anyone, save your soul, and give the finger to most of the types that consider themselves above everyone else. Solidarity is something bore by the humbled and humble, and is likely part of what drove your own parents to take the longshot on you. They still love you, and the best thing you can do for yourself is follow their example and learn to love you too.
You need to work on loving you, for you. Even though that may be extremely difficult right now, it is possible, but you have to look for the ways how. The first step in that, is to admit those ways might exist. If you spend enough time truly feeling self-loathing and internalizing it, what'll happen is your consciousness will shove it deep down into the unconscious, where it'll take on a life of it's own, and get stronger and stronger over time. C. G. Jung, a psychologist of the 20th century coined a term for this process, enantidromia, and it's kind of a consequence of being a human. Normally things even themselves out, but in certain cases, the repression of those parts of yourself can be so severe that it turns straight up pathological, and never gets a chance to even out in a less disruptive way. Given the conscious mind kinda floats on top of the unconscious faculties, orchestrating what you've mentally automated over the years, and what you can begin to experience is a very alarming tendency for these pathologically amplified loops to break into your conscious processing loop to great deleterious effect on your overall quality of life.
I've experimented with a couple therapeutic techniques that might help alleviate a few things/maybe help you find some direction.
Try looking up Dr. Tori Olds series on Coherence Therapy, AEDP, and Internal Family Systems.
https://m.youtube.com/@DrToriOlds
Even if you can't afford a therapist to work with you, it should give you enough of a grounding in the technique that you should be able to equip at least a few parts of your psyche with the tools to start to knit itself back together. The essence of these techniques are severalfold:
A) You are many-parted, and each of those parts is a fragment of you that has played a part in getting you where you are today, and keeping you alive.
B) There are no bad parts. Just bad times to use parts that are insufficiently integrated.
C) You can integrate and heal these parts. It takes time, dedication, and an openness to experiencing/reliving the insecurities of your past, and bringing new, wiser insight to these parts of you. They're already there, but isolated from one another. The healing process though will open up entirely new avenues of life you never thought of once you break the fundamental pathological loops that have dominated your unconscious faculties.
I can't say it'll fully fix you. Still working through some dodginess myself. But I'd be remiss to let someone whose tread those parts of the human experience go without giving them a glimpse on what has at least helped me pull out of some of the worst days it.
Keep trying. The only way out is through, and by wrestling with the unconscious, you'll be amazed the changes that'll pop up. It may not be the ones you want, but at least it won't be the same self-destructive loops you dealt with the day before.
I believe in you. You can do this.
When I was in a similar rut/loop the best thing that happened to me was when I finally stopped trying to keep up appearances, got honest and asked for help.
It was embarrassing to finally humble myself to ask for help, luckily embarrassment isn’t life threatening, just really uncomfortable for a minute.
The people in my life wanted to help me more than they wanted repayment. They helped in finding a gp the gp helped find a psychologist and then they all helped find a psychiatrist.
You obviously have ADHD, go and get on stims, it will likely help you. Or there may be some other issue. Or you may indeed be this way forever. Just go and try to change something in the brain for once.
Stop coping unless you want to cope until the end.
I already got tested for it by multiple different professionals, they seem to think I don't have it. And people with adhd are everywhere in the tech industry, it did not stop them from learning or becoming great engineers.
I have tried strattera, vyvanse, and some other meds i can't even remember, none worked and only made me more suicidal
I don't see any hope for me.I have no capacity to work hard, learn technical shit, love people, sense of responsibility, anything. I just wanna go, but I need money before I end it
The tests for ADHD and some variations of depression are leaky, erroneous shit. Just get the drugs (Adderall xr, Wellbutrin) and see if these help.
You say you tried some NDRI spectrum drugs, this probably means you have some rare type of depression or schizo spectrum disorder, or something else entirely.
If your parents truly care about you they will find you a decent doctor that will diagnose it.
>it did not stop them from learning or becoming great engineers.
You seem not to be wired to get intrinsic motivation from coding, idk.
... You seem to have intrinsic motivation to write longish texts though, unironically.
Everything else is noise. That said, finding that answer that lies within might take a day or a decade or never (my case - between decade and never!)
Be well. Be kind to yourself meanwhile.
Seriously, just buy a bag of seed, go find some pigeons, and feed them.
Now, watch them, carefully… see how hard they work, every day, even when they’re hobbling around on grotesque stumps where their feet used to be before they got wrapped up in our discarded waste.
Notice how something can put so much effort into just surviving, against all the odds, and against the abuse and mistreatment and just casual negligent brutality inflicted upon them by your species. See how they aren’t focused on money or jobs or learning or prestige, just on being now and being for a bit longer.
See how they’ll eventually trust you enough to approach or land on your hand to feed. How, if you do this day after day, they’ll recognize you and wait for you.
The only living thing that won’t, eventually, react to a modicum of gentleness and kindness with trust is a human.
You’re not on this planet to earn money. You’re not here to work. You’re certainly not here to build edifices of ephemeral noise. You’re here to be, while you can.
Pay your parents back on their real investment, by dedicating your time to them. Be there to care for them as they age. Give them a bit of gentleness and kindness… they need that much more than they need the fiction that is money.
When they’re done, then check out if you want to. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember, I’m faking it until there’s no one else to care for. That’s enough.
No one is beyond redemption, if only because there’s no such thing as redemption in the first place.
Fake it till you make it works, you just have to lower your bar on what you only think due to bad marketing represents making it.
If I don't use adequate protective equipment while cleaning the pigeon shit from my patio, I can be infected with an organism in the shit, namely, Histoplasma capsulatum, Cryptococcus neoformans, Aspergillus fumigatus, Chlamydophila psittaci, Salmonella bacteria, Escherichia coli, Mycobacterium avium complex, Listeria monocytogenes, West Nile virus, St. Louis Encephalitis virus or Eastern Equine Encephalitis virus.
Oh, and several of those you can’t get at all from a pigeon’s poop, they require an intervening, blood-feeding arthropod.
"A mosquito is needed to transfer the virus from the pigeon to me," is not a great defense of pigeons because of how common mosquitoes are and how hard it is to get rid of them.
Which is especially true when you realize that most mosquito species that have adapted to blood feed off avians don’t also tend to blood feed off mammals.
And, not for nothing, but what I was refuting was the idea you needed safety gear around pigeon poop to defend you from blood-borne viruses that aren’t known to transfer via that poop.
I don't like or gel with mediocre people, why do you think I wanna terminate myself? I never wanted to be mediocre