Ask HN: Anyone got advice for someone like me nearing 40s?
12 somecloud 18 6/25/2025, 8:28:50 AM
I will be 40 in another 6 months time. It almost feels like more than 50% life is gone. While there are some wins, some notorious, it's mostly struggle and negativity in my life.
I may get some flak for this, but start paying attention to skincare. Botox + anti-aging treatments, well applied, can do an awful lot of good.
Stay up-to-date on new tech, particularly AI. Tyler Cowen was talking about this last month, basically saying that the people who are now 40 are going to be the ones most at risk of being left behind. (http://marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2025/05/wha...)
Get those joint pains checked out by a doctor! It is easier to fix if you catch it early!
Some people get way too intense when in reality you just need to be active to be healthy. It's a lot harder to exercise at all if you blow out a knee or shoulder!
I'd add that if one is intellectually curious -- as I imagine somebody asking for advice here must be -- one's 40s are also a great time to take up a small noncommercial project. Like attempt to solve a minor theorem, or a historical puzzle.
(There are a lot of historical puzzles concerning nomenclature or the use of tools. For e.g., to this day nobody knows what was meant when the medieval French wrote of the form of armor called "double maille." (haubert doublier, haubert a maille double, and haubert clavey de double maille) But it's well attested in historical sources. If you travel to enough museums, manuscript collections, and chapels -- to inspect knightly effigies -- there's a very good chance you'll be able to figure it out. And, if you don't, I'd bet you still enjoy the ride.)
At some point, you stop exercising "hard", and start exercising "enough". The point is the same - to stay healthy. But you are not going to hit your lifetime peak fitness. Instead, you want to build a solid base of strength so that you still are fully capable and mobile into your 70s and 80s.
As far as staying up on tech, again that depends on how long you really want to be in tech. Some people may want to remain technical for a couple more decades... but some of us are happy to let others take the lead, while we settle back into secondary positions, or pivot our ambition to leadership instead of hands-on work.
What I'd recommend is some deep introspection to decide for yourself whether you are young or old, and act accordingly. "old" !== "bad". It is more a decision of whether you are still climbing, or simply enjoying the ride at a comfortable cruising altitude. I might not get hired by startups or FAANG for being in cruising mode, but once you get to this point, you aren't interested in such jobs anyway.
The point is to figure out what is right for yourself, and don't push youth too far. There are natural changes to the pace of life as you age, and acceptance of that helps life satisfaction.
You can build an amazing body (not hitting on you dude!) with Yoga. Which starts easy, then can turn hard, and 4-5 years later you got a body of iron, flexibility to reach the highest shelves, and stamina to run for hours.
Anyway, depending what you like/enjoy doing, build some muscle, build some stamina, drink less (alcohol). Be healthy(-ier)
As you write "50% gone" you've revealed a counting, quantitative mindset, so ask yourself if that's how you directly find life, or have you unconsciously adopted this way of thinking.
There's great news: the entirety of human history has left trails for you to follow and some of them lead to enlightenment and beauty.
There's terrible news: a lot of them lead is ugliness and pain.
All of it comes to bodily death. Is that good or bad news?
Since you've awoken to the idea of a conservation of yourself, and given that your question provides that you don't know what this means-- which indicates a normal orientation in midlife-- maybe you're ready to earnestly explore history?
I assert that science knows little about life and never will. But it can reveal opportunities and hazards.
It is in the arts and philosophy that the seeker may further prosper.
What value do you find is obtained from wealth and accomplishments?
What does history reveal about the others in your situation and with your views?
Can you engage with and trust your direct experience? How do you adapt to pain and pleasure?
Adventure.
I feel like I've had ~20 years of 'conscious adult' life, and I have at least 40 left (hopefully) - so only ~33% is gone !
Anyway, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away"
If I had a time machine which only went back to my 40s I'd possibly only say invest more for the future and exercise a shitload more. Most of the really embarrassing faux pas happened before this time.
I would also say deciding not to tear up my personal and work relationships like so many around me and instead invest in fixing what's wrong in them paid off.
I'm in my mid 40s, willingly neglected personal health for others because they needed more. It worked out and I'm back focusing on myself. I honestly considered myself lucky as I see some other burned out or broke down due to lack of self care.
1. Get your finance/insurance in order. Financial stress is the #1 killer. You don't need to be rich like on social media. Just be comfortable with a safety margin.
2. Get your physical/mental health in order. Working out or find a sports that you can share with others will help you a lot.
3. Make some friends. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, and covid accelerated that as many have moved. Playing sports can give you a sense of friendship. The group that I climb with are now talking a climbing trip this and next year. It's great.
Sometimes it feels like a step downwards - divorces, lost family members, career changes. Some have kids and can't do the things they once did. And in time, you'll pick up injuries and health problems. If you plan to fight and resist change, do so, but if you can't, then accept the new roles.
Figure out what you want to do in life and go after it. Not just career, but the other stuff (travel, companionship, hobbies leaving a legacy, etc)
You still got a couple grand slams left in ya but you have to be intentional about it
I believe Peterson's "Future Authoring" does something similar, but I haven't tried it yet (perhaps this summer I can make the time to try it out).
If you are journaling, go back and skim through your journals (older first --> recent last) and see the changes (and trajectory/future/outlook).
(Depending on the language you read it) Hector Malot writes on En Famille: don't read newspapers, they are a waste of time. I try to stay away from the news, and listen to (few) podcasts much-much later to see if what they were saying "1 day after the XYZ event" actually played out or not". That gives a better measure/perspective of how much trust to put in those people/discussions.
you have lived 50% of your life.
we live the life that is in front of us, and that is it.
life has always been a struggle. we can always assume that the rich and powerful live wonderful lives, but again this is a fantasy to make us feel better while we struggle living our own lives.
The rich and powerful are not exempt from psychological distress and struggle.
A house is a house, a family is a family, a car is a car, it doesnt matter how much they cost or how valuable they are. It is the value that we as individuals put on those things that are important to us, that makes the difference.
Im nearly 70. I am in the final years of my life.
These days I reflect back on a life well lived.
that is all we can do.
There is nothing special about life, we live and then we die. it is what we do while we are here that is important.
40 for me was the beginning of a new adventure. Afer 4 years of study, I had just qualified as a therapeutic counsellor and started going to university to do my masters degree in psychotherapy.
- married at 28 and divorced at 32
- stayed at my second job from the time that I was 25 until 34 and became an “expert beginner” and only made $7K more at 34 than I made at 25
- by the time I was 35 because of dumb decisions and the housing crash I had a negative net worth of around $300K and ended up walking away from 5 mortgages within the next two years
- didn’t get a job as a software developer making over six figures until 2014 at 40 years old.
The next ten years…
- well I got remarried at 36
- had a house built exactly three years after my last foreclosure (FHA minimum) at 42.
- got my first only and hopefully last job in BigTech (working remotely - no longer there) at 46
- we did the digital nomad thing for a year between late 2022 and late 2023
- sold my house for twice what I paid for it last year and moved to a smaller condo in (cheaper state tax free Florida)
- my wife and I still travel a lot and planning on spending 3-4 months next year away from home - 1 month in Costa Rica in the winter and the summer domestically.
I never won the startup lottery, spent my entire career until I was 46 in 2020 as a journeymen enterprise developer, 3.5 years in BigTech wasn’t get rich money. It was a pay off debt and pivot strategy.
My life until I was 40 was messy with a few bright spots - met my now wife at 36 and (step)kids, made a lot of great friends while teaching fitness classes part time, etc.
As far as “ageism”, I have found it easier to get a job post 40. Including in 2023 and last year.
Do you take it knowing the addiction risks? You obviously say yes! Perhaps you just accept for the 5 million?
But what if the consequence is that you die in 24 hours? You quickly change your mind. No way do you take that. I 10x everything, $50 million usd. I even arranged and schedule the perfect 24 hours of hedonism before it starts. You still decline right?
You just found out, waking up each morning is worth more than $50 million usd.
In life, you have 3 big luggages to carry around. The past(40 years of 'struggle and negativity'), the present, and the future that you cant predict.
You can only carry 1 luggage. If you carry the future luggage, you're going to be fearful and anxiety from your imagination. "But what if ___ happens if i do X"
If you carry the past, you're going to ruminate about things that you cant change.
The only luggage you can carry is the present. Live the present moment. Carpe Diem.
It doesnt matter your age, in 300 years from now... Trump will be remembered. Virtually nobody else will be remembered. Spend your day in a way that you enjoy because nobody else cares or will remember what you did.