Let's Talk About the Bidet, the Bathroom's Best-Kept Secret

One of the most valuable purchases I've made for my home are water sensors that can remotely close my main valve.

Have 2 Washlét S550e that are about 4 years old. Customer service is excellent. The only downsides are no bowl light while lid raised and both randomly lifts the lid with no one there.

Yes. One might want to take care of the main stuff the usual way at least in part before passing on to the bidet, though, so as not to risk soiling. Source: Argentina, land of bidets.

Nope. Extremely impractical. Better and simpler to retrofit an existing toilet (preferred) or have a toilet that includes the function (very expensive in the US).

Add 1 tbsp psyllium husk to your diet so pooping is like extruding pasta instead of an EBM (explosive bowel movement). Second, learn how to twerk.

Then you have a cheap one. The high-end ones can deliver almost painful pressured water and agitation patterns.

I find health faucets http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet_shower quite effective, except that one time it went terribly wrong. These are essentially telephone showers installed next to the toilet. You switch them on using a valve/trigger and then manually direct the fire. Simple, cheap, no fuss.

This little guy, however, turned out to be a closet fire hose. It pretty much went from 0 to 1000 gallons per sec in an instant and just wouldn't let up. The valve was stuck. The extension hose was twisting and coiling around like crazy with the pressure released. The shower head was going full blast in my hand, initially directed at my rear, it was continuously pushing my hand away from anything that I was trying to point it towards. It give me a visceral understanding of how jet engines work.

Working out a sequence of operations in my head to get out of such a situation while caught in a compromised and inflexible position, with only one hand free, was quite a challenge. I am not quite sure if I should be thankful that it wasnt AI powered and directed.

If the pressure is low it can be quite unsatisfactory.

The first Japanese ones I used there were ways to choose between a laminar and degrees of non-laminar, to full-on turbulent flow (all those controls must be for something), I would expect the former to be somewhat less flinch inducing. And it really tickles the shit out of you ! (no pun intended)

I got a no-name handheld sprayer[1] back in early 2020. It'll absolutely work like a power washer if you turn the T-valve all the way on. That can be painful, probably best to keep the pressure a bit lower.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DR83GQB

I just added "beef starfish" to my personal encyclopedia of hilarious terms. Thank you for making my day!

We have the Geberit AquaClean Tuma Comfort [1]. It's a marvel of German engineering. The jet is really powerful. Painfully so, on the highest setting, and it can also be set to be really hot.

It's an entire bidet toilet for wall integration, not one of those things you put on top of an existing toilet. It has a heated seat, a suction fan that removes odor, and a dryer for after washing.

[1] https://www.geberit-global.com/bathroom-products/wcs-urinals...

I thought this the first few days I was in Japan. I was only giving it 30sec or so. Apparently you're supposed to spray for a minute. Never had a problem after that.

The Toto washlets I used in Japan were plenty powerful, plus they had adjustments for pressure and temperature.

Washlét S550e can deliver painful heated water pressure, agitation, and can be moved front to back. If you wait, it can do the job.

Wet wipes produce waste, cost money, and either clog pipes or stink.

If these are bidets that are plumbed into the mains supply, then yes, water pressure is too low in many places. I'm fortunate to live in an area of England where it's like pressure washing your patio—that jet of water can most definitely cut your paper-thin arse tissue if you crank it and aren't careful (been there, done that—still love it six years on).

Features I have and think aren't worth paying more for:

1. Dryer. None of them push anywhere near enough air to do anything useful. I use a hair blow dryer.

2. Hot water. Although it is a bit of a shock, I prefer cold water as it helps shrink the hemorrhoidal tissues. Wife disagrees with this one so we set it on the lowest heat and I keep spraying until it gets cold.

Japan has these everywhere and 95% of them are Toto brand so that's what I went with and it has been great.

Almost all the "built in" ones are functionally the same as the "add on" ones, the main difference being the guarantee of good seat fit.

In all cases the actual toilet is made of porcelain, which as you might imagine does not lend itself well to installing motors and electronics. Even for units that are sold as a combo, the bidet is built into the seat/lid, which is exactly how the add-ons work.

I installed one of these on an existing toilet in my house and it was fine: https://alphabidet.com/products/alpha-ix-pure-bidet-seat

I've since swapped out to a different toilet that came with a built in bidet and it's also fine, not markedly better.

If you're replacing the whole toilet might as well just get an all in one with the guaranteed fit. If you weren't going to, there's no reason not to just get the seat.

I've been using a Brondell Thinline for just over 5 years now; It's got a great design (accidentally bumping into it turns it onto the clean rather than spray mode), looks like it's part of the toilet (unlike the vast majority of the ones you see on Amazon), and very easy to use. Cheap as well!

People who haven't used a bidet before balk at the cold water, but honestly I think when you really need a bidet, the cold water is a godsend. And if you want heat, I think just throwing in more pressure does the same kinda job. Plus it's one less set of valves to have to worry about!

If you really hate it, you're only out $30, which I think is not that bad.

Another vote for Toto add-on bidets. Yes, the dryer is pointless. Just use a few sheets of TP for that. I do like the warm water douche, though. Seems to have plenty of pressure. There is a wider, softer mode, too.

I’ve got chinese seat and very old Japanese one. Happy with both of them. Make sure new ones have a remote and fits your toilet. It’s pretty easy to install.

The nice thing with integrated ones is auto closing and auto flushing. Would love that but it’s so expensive.

Get a “bum gun”. No need for a separate device. It connects to the toilet’s inflow.

I use the bidet every time I go to the bathroom for a #2, but the analogy you share doesn't really make much impact. The arm is in close proximity of the head and face, it's "there", but the anus is hidden and "far" and this some may feel unbothered with a non-immaculate routine.

God forbid people want more hygienic options than just “wipe the shit away and pretend like it’s really gone”.

Many people feel more comfortable discussing their bathroom habits somewhat anonymously.

Maybe consider that you live in a bubble without a lot of variety of cultures.

Bidets are quite common in Europe, although they tend to be dedicated separate bidets. They’re also common in japan, obviously, with Toto existing there.

And even within my own sphere, my (US company) work has bidets in every toilet, and some of my relatives discuss bidet use, none of us are “Internet people” as you state.

Internet tends to expose you to opinions of people you haven't met.

Sounds like something someone with a dirty bottom would say.

Careful you don't slip getting off that high horse.